Misgivings of Epic Noodles

When I was young, I had me a crib. I loved it. I still long to return to it. I’m all but certain it’s in a landfill somewhere. God only knows where. Probably in Guam, at least I would imagine anyway. There’s probably a war going on right now over the contents of this landfill in Guam. The two warring factions represent themselves through the use of colors. One side is most likely red & the opposing side is most likely blue. Not very imaginative but what do you want? They’re killing each other for rights to this vast landfill.

The landfill itself is probably around 18 1/2 square miles. Birds everywhere shitting on everything and everyone. They don’t care. Not for one second. On the blue side, the leader is a guy affectionately named Boogers. And make no mistake. He’s a very dangerous moron. Last week, he killed his wife because he couldn’t pronounce her name correctly. He figured, “hey…she should have been born with an easier name to pronounce.” All of the “yes men” he surrounded himself with all agreed. Her name, by the way, was “Mo”.

The leader of the red side wasn’t nearly as interesting. In fact, he could go pro, and qualify as Most Boring Person Worldwide. One time while giving orders to raid the landfill because word on the street was there is a snow cone machine in there somewhere once used by Burt Reynolds. Yes, THE Burt Reynolds. Anyway, he was laying out the battle plan and everyone fell asleep. Except for one soldier stayed awake because he liked how this guy spoke. He found it amusing for some reason. The boring leaders name was Machine Guam Kelly. And there was no snow cone machine.

As it turns out, there once was a cease fire. Right there in the middle of the battle. Both sides just….stopped. They poked their heads up long enough to look each other in the eye. Man to man. Brother to brother. One man from the blue army raised his weapon and held it in the air as to signal, yes, I am armed, but at this moment, I am no threat. One man on the red side slowly did the same. They approached each other, and shook hands as soldiers and as men. Grown men, on both sides, began weeping. Some men began praying. It was at this time, Machine Guam Kelly arose. Dusted himself off, and began walking towards the two men. When he finally arrived, he asked the opposing soldier to motion for his leader to come out and have a conversation. The opposing man obliged. He raised his finger in the air and motioned for Boogers to approach. A few seconds later, Boogers was seen making his way there. Upon Boogers arrival, Machine Guam Kelly extended his hand. And at that moment, Machine Guam Kelly and Boogers had the hopes and dreams of each side in their hands.

It was at this moment in time, Boogers looked over at the man who motioned for him to approach. He was urinating on my goddamn crib I had as a baby. This pissed me off but it pissed off Boogers even more. Turns out, Boogers, aside from being a dangerous idiot, was also into weird kinky sex acts involving diapers and cribs and weirdness as such. Boogers became a madman, grabbed his weapon and shot the man pissing, midstream. Machine Gaum Kelly looked at Boogers and said in his usual boring fashion, “Is this how you treat your own?” He then raised his weapon toward Boogers and all hell broke loose! Boogers own men began firing at him for shooting the pissing man. Machine Guam Kelly’s men began shooting at him for getting mad about it.

This was when the most unbelievable thing occurred. Machine Guam Kelly became the leader of the blue team. And Boogers took control of the red. and they continued their war over the landfill which continues today. A ceasefire has not been seen in all the years that passed. Some don’t believe it happened at all. They figure, it’s all so unbelievable anyway, who cares? But it happened. I know this for fact…and I also know I’m still angry someone had the nerve to piss on my goddamn crib!